Jokes

title	Body
Top Ten Reasons to Date An Engineer	10) They are used to all nighters 9) They get to learn what all those buttons on your calculator are for 8) They are always willing to experiment 7) They know how to decrease and increase friction 6) They know all about heat transfer 5) They do it with more torque 4) Engineering couples have better moments 4b) They know how to deal with stress and strain 3) They know how to test their rigid cantelevers 2) "Lubrication, Friction, and Wear" is really a class And the number one reason to date an engineer.... 1) They design and build larger erections
Beforesex	1.. Beforesex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you dress only yourself.. Moral: In life no one helps you, once you're fucked. 2.. Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it. 3.. What is the difference between frustration and satisfaction? What the Fuck! and What a Fuck! 4.. 3 People having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you 'HANDSOME', don't take it as a compliment! 5.. Life is like a dick, sometimes it becomes hard for no reason. 6.. Practical thought: A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes. A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life. 7.. According To William Sexfear A Drunk Guy Is A Liability, But A Drunk Girl Is An Asset........
Quickies	Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer? A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker. Q: What do engineers use for birth control? A: Their personalities. Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer? A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own. Q: Why did the engineers cross the road? A: Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year. Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane? A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way.
If it Ain't Broke	"Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet." Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle
Three engineers and three accountants	#3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510582 Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
Lost on an Island	An engineer took a cruise to the Caribbean. It was wonderful; the experience of his life. But, alas, a hurricane came up unexpectedly and the ship went down. He was swept onto the shore of an island. No people, no supplies, nothing. He explored but found nothing other that some bananas and coconuts. He was desperate and forlorn, but what could he do? For the next four months ate bananas, drank coconut juice and looked for a ship to come to his rescue. One day, he spotted a rowboat coming from what looked like the other side of the island. In it was a gorgeous woman: She was tawny and tanned, and her hair flowing in the breeze gave her an ethereal quality. When she reached him, he asked excitedly, "where did you come from? How did you get here? "She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. My cruise ship sank four months ago. " "Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You are really lucky that a rowboat washed up with you." There is no one else--only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up. I built it out of raw material I found on the island. The oars I whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from an eucalyptus." "But--but," asked the man, "What did you use for tools?" "Oh, no problem," replied the woman, "On the south side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable iron. But enough of that," she said. Where do you live?" The man confessed he had been sleeping on the beach. "Let's row over to my place," she said. So they got into the rowboat and left for her side of the island. The woman tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk to an exquisite bungalow. "It's not much," she said, "but I call it home. Would you like a drink?" "No," he answered, "One more coconut juice and I will puke." "I have a still," said the woman, "How about a PinaColada?" Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat downon her couch. After a while, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?" "No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all my life." "Well, if you would like to shave, there is a razor in the cabinet in the upstairs bathroom." The man, no longer questioning anything, went to the bathroom. In the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to an edge were fastened to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back downstairs. "You look great," she said. "I think I will slip into something more comfortable. "After a short time, she returned wearing strategically positioned fig leaves and smelling faintly of gardenia. "Tell me," she asked, "We have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. Have you been lonely? Is there anything that you miss? Something that all men and women crave? Something that would be really nice to have right now?" "Yes there is," the man replied, and moved closer to her. "Tell me, do you have an Internet connection?"
Was God an Engineer?	An electrical, a mechanical and a civil engineer all sat down one day to try and decide of which of their faculties god must be to design the human body. The electrical engineer says god must be an electrical engineer, for you only have to look at the complex nervous system powered be electrical impulses. The mechanical engineer was sure that god must be a mechanical engineer, for the advanced mechanical systems, the heart a pump, the veins pipes and the tendons and muscles an advanced pulley system. Finally after hearing the civil engineers arguments, both the mechanical and electrical engineer both agreed that god must be a civil engineer, for who else would run a sewer system through a recreational area!
Smoking Is Injurious To Health	A Software Engg was smoking Girl: Didn’t u see the warning ? Smoking is injurious to health. Engineer: We bother only about errors & not warnings.
Personalities	They asked The scientist; What is 2 + 2? He replied... 4.000000000 They asked The engineer; What is 2 + 2? He replied... 4.0 (+/- ) They asked The attorney; What is 2 + 2? He replied... what would you like it to be? :o)
Logical Choice	A engineering student is on his way to class, when his friend, another engineering student, rides up on a bike. "Where did you get the bike?", asks the first engineering student. The other explains, "Well, I was on my way to Unit Ops, when one of the cheerleaders rides up and jumps off her bike. She screams with excitement, runs up to me, strips off all her clothes, gives me a big hug and a kiss, and said she'd give me anything I wanted!" The first engineering student says, "Good choice. Her clothes would never have fit you."
Upmanship	An engineer, lawyer and CPA go together on a camping trip one summer. After a night of drinking around the campfire, the CPA stood up and said "Watch This!" he took out a pistol, threw his bottle of burbon in the air and shot it. The lawyer, not to be out done said, "that's nothing." He threw his bottle of scotch in the air and shot it blind-folded. The engineer stood up and said "That's better, but it's still not worth a damn." He grabbed the pistol, shot the CPA and lawyer, and sat back down to finish his beer!
Micro Logic	There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and an Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere. Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work!?"
Getting Even	A successful engineer flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the engineer,, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The engineer thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The engineer got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to go down on me (oral sex) during the way?" "What?! Get Out, out of my cab, you scum." The engineer got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result - getting kicked out of each taxi. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."The engineer said "O.K." and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the engineer gave a big smile and a big thumbs up.
Here to Serve	An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake-- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Doctor Complaining To Engineer	A doctor is talking to a car engineer, “Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care.” “Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn’t changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month.”
10 Jokes Only Engineers Will Understand.	10 Jokes Only Engineers Will Understand. Who Says Engineers Don’t Have A Sense Of Humor? 1. Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. 2. To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. 3. A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?" 4. What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets. 5. The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" 6. Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?" 7. Knock knock. Who's there? Interrupting coefficient of friction. Interrupting coefficient of fri.... mmmuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu (μ) 8. Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway." 9. An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool." 10. A wife asks her husband, a software engineer... "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."
Monkeys	A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the other side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $5,000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C-very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money." The tourist looked at a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000. What does it do?" "Oh, that one's a C++ monkey. It can manage object-oriented programming. Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper. The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around it's neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?" The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's an engineer."
Engineers Diet	We all know that it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree celsius. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat. For example, a dessert served and eaten near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg.F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized. Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories. Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat, the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal. This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer. Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down. Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza, and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream. We should all be thin very soon if we adhere religiously to this cold pizza, cold beer, and ice cream diet.
Wife vs. Mistress	An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" they asked. Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
job interview	Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Department person asked the young engineer, fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The engineer replied, "In the neighborhood of $75,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The HR person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks of vacation, fourteen paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And, the Human Resources person said, "Of course, but you started it."
Mechanical vs. Civil Engineers	What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets
Water in the Glass	To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
An engineer was enjoying	An engineer was enjoying his very first vacation ever, relaxing on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. He was being waited on hand and foot. But a hurricane came, and the ship went down instantly. The man found himself swept up onto the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea hoping for a ship to come to his rescue. One day, as he was lying on the beach stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No. From around the corner of the island came a rowboat. But in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least seen in four months. She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal quality. She spotted him waving and yelling and screaming to get her attention and rowed her boat towards him. In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? Where, did you get the rowboat? Wow, you were really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you!" "It is only me." she said, "And the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing else did." "Well then," asked the man, "how did you get the rowboat?" "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island", replied the woman. "The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But," asked the man, "what about tools and hardware, how did you do that?" "Oh, no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it in my kiln it would melt into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?" The engineer was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach. "Well, let's row over to my place," she said. So they both got into the rowboat and left for her side of the island. The woman rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. "It's not much," she said, "but I call it home. After a while exchanging stories, the woman asked, "Have you always had a beard?" "No, I was clean shaven all of my life, even on the cruise ship," he replied. "Well if you would like to shave, there is a men's razor upstairs in the bathroom." The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom. There in the cabinet, was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs. "You look great," said the woman, "I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable." After a short time, the woman returned wearing fig leaves strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia. "Tell me," she asked, "we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men need, and women, too. Something that it would be really nice to have right now." "Yes there is, " the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman and fixed a winsome gaze upon her. "Tell me, do you have an Internet connection?"
Paying In Advance	Once an engineer was driving in a ranch and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth. “Oh, about $200 today,” said the redneck. “But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I’m out.” Engineer sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the redneck. “Here,” he said, “is the check for $900. It’s postdated six years from now.”
Knowing Where To Put It	There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small “x” in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, “This is where your problem is.” The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: “One chalk mark $1. Knowing where to put it $49,999″
Woman vs. Bicycle	Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
One girl went to a electronic shop with anger	One girl went to a electronic shop with anger and threw her new laptop on the desk at a person from whom she bought it. She told the salesman that you have... cheated me. I cannot transfer file from my previous laptop.. Salesman : Madam, can you please try in front of me. This is what She did, Right clicked the mouse on the file which she wanted to transfer and selected CUT option. Disconnected the mouse from that PC. Took that mouse carefully and connected it to the other PC where she wanted to copy that file. Right clicked the mouse and selected the PASTE option. . . Salesman DIED....lol
Human Anatomy	Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Blind Golfers	A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi, George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters who lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
Engineering pick-up lines	I won’t stop bugging you until I get the address of your home page. Cringe! You fascinate me more than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus. Since distance equals velocity times time, let’s let velocity and time approach infinity, because I want to go all the way with you. Ouch, this one is wrong on so many levels My love for you is like a concave up function because it is always increasing. Let’s convert our potential energy to kinetic energy. Wanna come back to my room? …and see my 1000 Mhz Pentium VII? How about you and I go back to my place and form a covalent bond? You and I would add up better than a Riemann sum. You’re sweeter than glucose. Chemical Engineering Scum! We’re as compatible as two similar Power Macintoshes. Why don’t we measure the coefficient of static friction between you and me? They mean DYNAMIC FRICTION I’m sure! Wanna see the programs in my HP-48GX? Your body has the nicest arc length I’ve ever seen. Isn’t your e-mail address [email protected](link sends e-mail) You’re hotter than a bunsen burner set to full power! Sigh, poor engineer boys…You gotta love them!
The Frog Princess	An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
An Engineer, a Mathematician, and a Physicist	An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist went to the races one Saturday and laid their money down. Commiserating in the bar after the race, the engineer says, "I don't understand why I lost all my money. I measured all the horses and calculated their strength and mechanical advantage and figured out how fast they could run..." The physicist interrupted him: "...but you didn't take individual variations into account. I did a statistical analysis of their previous performances and bet on the horses with the highest probability of winning..." "...so if you're so hot why are you broke?" asked the engineer. But before the argument can grow, the mathematician takes out his pipe and they get a glimpse of his well-fattened wallet. Obviously here was a man who knows something about horses. They both demanded to know his secret. "Well," he says, between puffs on the pipe, "first I assumed all the horses were identical and spherical...
How many engineers does it take to change a lightbulb	How many first year engineering students does it take to change a light bulb? None. That’s a second year subject. How many second year engineering students does it take to change a light bulb? One, but the rest of the class copies the report. How many third year engineering students does it take to change a light bulb? “Will this question be in the final examination?” How many civil engineers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to do it and one to steady the chandelier. How many electrical engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None. They simply redefine darkness as the industry standard. How many computer engineers does it take to change a light bulb? “Why bother? The socket will be obsolete in six months anyway.” How many mechanical engineers does it take to change a light bulb? Five. One to decide which way the bulb ought to turn, one to calculate the force required, one to design a tool with which to turn the bulb, one to design a comfortable – but functional – hand grip, and one to use all this equipment. How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost	A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.” The man below says: “Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field.” “You must be an engineer,” says the balloonist. “I am,” replies the man. “How did you know?” “Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information.“ The man below says, “You must be a planner.” “I am,” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?” “Well,” says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you are going, and you have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault.”
Are You An Engineer?	You Might Be An Engineer... If you introduce your wife as "[email protected]" If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie If you want an 8X CDROM for Christmas If Dilbert is your hero * <----- * If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50 If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string If you window shop at Radio Shack If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies If you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run If you are convinced you can build a phazer out of your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush If you own "Official Star Trek" anything If you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts If you have never backed-up your hard drive If you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say it out loud If you truly believe aliens are living among us If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is" If you see a good design and still have to change it If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don't remember where they are If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal If you have more toys than your kids If you need a checklist to turn on the TV If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal If you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screw driver to use If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting If people groan at the party when you pick out the music If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week If you did the sound system for your senior prom if your checkbook always balances if your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers If you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep If you spend more on your home computer than your car If you know what http:/ stands for If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate If choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or upgrading your RAM is a moral dilemma. If you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room. If while in college you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure. If the sales people at the local computer store can't answer any of your questions. If at an air show you know how fast the skydivers are falling. If you bought your wife a new CD-ROM drive for her birthday. If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie. If you can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting. If you comment to your wife that their straight hair is nice and parallel. If you sit backwards on the Disneyland rides to see how they do the special effects. If you have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances. If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life. If you know what <http://> stands for. If you look forward to Christmas so you can put the kids' toys together. If you see a good design and still have to change it. If you spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring. If you still own a slide rule and know how to use it. If you think that people yawning around you are sleep deprived. If you window shop at Radio Shack If your laptop computer costs more than your car. If your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work. If you've already calculated how much you make per second. If you've tried to repair a $5 radio. If you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically. If you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division. If you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator. If it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer. If you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water. If you think in "math." If you have a pet named after a scientist. If you laugh at jokes about mathematicians. If the Humane society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrodinger's Cat experiment. If you can translate English into Binary. If you can't remember what's behind the door in the science building which says "Exit." If you are completely addicted to caffeine. If you consider ANY non-science course "easy." If when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe. If the "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use. If you'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier. If you understood more than five of these indicators. If you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.
Top ten reasons not to date an engineer	So, since I am actually dating an engineer (a mechanical engineering masters student, might I add!), I think I’m allowed to joke about this…although I don’t think this is going to impress EcoHawk very much :) 10. Shirts and jeans are our formal dress. Hot dog and a six-pack is our seven-course meal. Sadly, this one is very, very accurate I’m afraid – but they really do come out of their shell when they’re comfortable. When you do get them to throw on a pair of dress-pants however, you’ll be pleasantly surprised at how well they clean up! 9. The only social life known of is to post and talk on the net. I suppose I can’t comment on this one since I’m a blogger with 3 blogsites, 2 twitter accounts and multiple FB pages/ groups :/ 8. We flame like a monster inside, and speak like a pussy cat. Beware of what lurks beneath the surface! 7. We work from 6:30am to 7:30pm daily. No morning kisses and no evening walks. Not acceptable! There is always time for cuddling! Put your foot down, girls! 6. No matter how hard you cry and how loud you yell at us , we just sit there calmly discussing your emotion in terms of mathematical logic. I can just see myself getting into trouble as I write this, so I shall refrain from commenting on this one! Safe to say – this is DEAD ON! 5. We only listen to classic rock. We hate everything from Bach to Prince 4. We touch our cars more often than you/her. Hmm, I can’t complain about this one – so do I! :P 3. We talk in acronyms. 2. Can’t leave that damn pencil off our ears for a minute. “Work”- that dirty skank! 1. Will file a divorce if you call us in the middle of debugging. They do take their gadgets and tecchi-stuff very seriously. So there you have it. I hope I am still dating an engineer after this post – wish me luck! If you have any engineer-jokes, send them along and I’ll post them!
smallest possible amount of fence	An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest possible amount of fence. The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring, "A circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the best solution." The physicist is next. She creates a circular fence of infinite radius around the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around the herd, declaring, "This will give the smallest circular fence around the herd." The mathematician is last. After giving the problem a little thought, he puts a small fence around himself and then declares, "I define myself to be on the outside!"
What Is Equations	Engineers think that equations approximate the real world. Scientists think that the real world approximates equations. Mathematicians are unable to make the connection..
The graduate	The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want mustard with that?"
Coming out of Retirement	There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. Finally, at the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and said, "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1; Knowing where to put it $49,999. It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
Sensitivity	A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes! Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude! Priest: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. Priest: Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they? George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year, So we let them play here anytime free of charge! (silence) Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them. Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
Quality Control	There were three people ready to be executed by guillotine back in medieval days. A farmer; a blacksmith; and, an engineer. For whatever reasons we don't know. The first was brought up to the platform and the henchman ask if he had any last words. The farmer said yes, that he would like to say a prayer. After kneeling down and praying, the henchman had him put his head through the opening in the guillotine and he pulled the chain. The blade came crashing down but stopped 2" from the man's neck. Everyone gasped and said for the henchman to let him go. This must be a sign from the gods. So, the guards let him go. Next was the blacksmith's turn. After being asked if he had any last words, he too wanted to say a prayer. The same thing happened. When the chain was pulled, the blade came crashing down and stopped 2" from the man's neck. For the same reason, the guards let him go too. And as did the farmer, he high-tailed it over the mountains. Lastly, the engineer was brought up onto the platform. When the henchman asked him if he had any last words he said "no", but pointed up to the top of the guillotine and said "there's a kink in the chain"

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